My Update

Here goes.  I'll come clean with you.  I'm not in a good place.  I'm having a real honest to goodness crisis of faith.  Faith in myself, faith in the world, faith in...faith.

On New Years Eve I was physically and sexually assaulted.  I cannot
remember the incident itself nor the events leading up to it.  The only memory I have from that night is from several hours earlier where I was at dinner with some family and friends.  Then nothing.  I have a sliver of a memory.  I am laying on my back, unable to move, staring at the night sky.  I'm really cold as I'm laying in the snow.  My entire body is either in pain or is simply numb.  I am able to move my hand in front of face.  It's covered in blood.  I cough up some blood.  My hand falls back to the ground.  Then...nothing. 

I was out for about two weeks.

When I finally awoke in the hospital, I had no idea where I was or why I was there.  I let out a scream, then passed back out.  I awoke several hours later to nurses, doctors, and a few familiar faces.

I have made some physical improvements.  Bruises have faded, cuts have healed.  But I still have a long way to go.  I cannot walk unassisted; I need help breathing as I have a collapsed lung; it's difficult to speak, my jaw was partially fractured; my legs have atrophied; and I have some nerve and spinal complications.

Pretty awesome huh.

My psychiatrist says that I have a mental block on the incident which is why I cannot recall anything.  She doesn't want to lift it because it is too traumatic and could result in more harm than good.  She also tells me it's good for me to express my thoughts and should keep a journal.  She also said that by posting to Facebook, and well this, also helps.  So if my shitty life is boring or an inconvenience for you, just remember that I have to live like this.  I had to drop out of my semester at ASU.  I'll never be the same person I once was.  There are certain things that I may never regain.  They are still testing to see if I'll be able to have children at some point.  

I'm going through a LOT of emotions.  I don't like to see myself in the mirror anymore.  I don't like the way things are going.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to pull myself together.  At least this way you can watch me descend further into a depression and see where it takes me.  Lucky you.

As I lay here in my hospital bed, some nights I wish that I had just bled out that night in the snow.