Apologies to anyone out there who may actually be reading my posts. I meant to post this way earlier, but I had to talk to my psychiatrist and then I slept for awhile. I think my thoughts and understanding is coherent enough that I can finally write an update.
So I had a visit by the police and lawyers today.
I wasn't took excited about this, particularly because the details of the police report were read to me. I have no recollection of the rape with the exception of what I previously wrote here. So getting to hear all the gritty details about how two people beat me unconscious and then proceeded to rape me certainly hasn't put me in the happiest of moods. More on that later.
So there is good news which came from today's visit. The police and lawyers wanted to wait until I was consistently improving to drop the information on me following the coma I was in. The police apprehended those mother fuckers within a couple of days. Apparently they used condoms (how nice of them) but there was enough forensic evidence recovered by the rape kit to identify them. I guess (according to the report at least) was that I fought back enough initially prior to being beaten unconscious that I had drawn blood from them which was under my fingernails.
More good news. Between the expert medical opinions of both my doctors and the psychiatrist, the lawyers agreed that I do not have to attend or testify in court based upon the physical evidence, eyewitness accounts, and the "mental, psychological, and physiological trauma the incident has caused." My psychologist and psychiatrist also have been dealing with the police and compelled them that my mental block regarding the rape and events leading up to and after would not be beneficial to anyone, except to cause me more emotional trauma which they don't want to do. That's nice of them. Today has been such an emotionally exhausting experience as it is, I really don't want to have to sit there and dwell on things in front of other people. I'm sure I'd just break down and look like a complete loser in front of other people. Not only did I allow somebody to attack me and take advantage of me, but the fact that I cannot even answer simple questions makes me look even more pathetic. Plus I don't want to know what those bastards look like. I don't know now and would like to keep it that way. I have enough fucking nightmares as it is and have to rely on pain medicine to put me to sleep consistently as it is.
Now for the rough part of my day. I really didn't care to hear about how everything happened. I don't like knowing how I was assaulted. I told myself I would attempt a full disclosure on here, because my psychiatrist thinks it will be therapeutic, but I don't know if I can. If I think about what the report said, I can't help but start picturing it in my mind. It scares the shit out of me. I have been told that I'm lucky to be alive. I believe that statement. Even though there is a part of me that really wishes I wasn't most days.
Well, I suppose I should express some of what happened in a general manner before I get too worked up. I was hit in the face, body, and legs multiple times. That's how a good number of my injuries happened. I was also kicked and stomped on before and during the rape itself. I was supposed to be dead. They thought I was dead. I really don't like thinking about this. I always thought of myself as someone who was strong enough to never have this happen. If it could happen to me it could happen to anyone, and me again. I don't like feeling helpless.
I think I am going to stop writing for now. I'm crying too much and now I won't be able to get back to sleep. Sorry.
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