I must apologize to my friends. I have put you through a lot of shit. It is mostly my bullshit. I'm
sorry, but my life is terrible this year. I'm not the fun, life loving person I once was. If you can't put up with me, I understand. You wouldn't be the first person to abandon me. My life has taken a turn for the worse this year. It has been about 9 months since I was assaulted. I haven't been the same since. I have nightmares almost every night. I have to result to alcohol to dull the thoughts and pain. This has caused me to become distant and cold to and people don't think I am the fun and enlightening person I was during my time at ASU or MVHS. I apologize. I can only do so much. Most of which I feel is not helping my situation. I can never equate what I've gone through to any of you. It is a difficult thing to discuss or even think about. I am emotional roller coaster that is apparently not good enough to maintain a relationship with anyone...girl or guy. Why the FUCK did this have to happen to me? Probably because I am forsaken. A person not deserving of the positives in life. I had everything handed to me on a silver fucking platter. This is my payback. I don't know any other way to describe it. What goes around comes around. I cannot expect anyone to be able to empathize with me in any respect. I have sacrificed several personal relationships and friendships also. Granted, my personality as of late is not welcoming of others. I have sequestered much of my life to myself, withdrawing from the world around me. My only solace is that one day, life will balance itself out and that means canceling me out. I have nothing left to offer. I am a broken soul incapable of love, unwilling to move past my petty bullshit to appease others. I am the sad clown. I look pleasing on the outside, but on the inside I am a dark, destroyed mess that can only be explained through some esoteric work of art some 20 years later or through a metaphoric dark soliloquy or lyrics from a NIN song. I am a defeated human being. One that is a reminder of the mistakes of mankind. A monument of regret. I cannot accept a life of fear and regret for myself. The burden is too much bear. I don't know how to overcome the anguish which has come to define my existence. I haven't spoken to God in quite some time because I feel that he has shunned me for the decisions and events which have occurred throughout my life. I will make the attempt to take my Rosary and attend service in the coming days to search for answers, even though I anticipate none. I cannot see any light through this tunnel. I believe that I am a truly lost lost soul throughout the oasis of time of tribulation. I've been alone for so long that I don't even know if I can accept the assistance from others. Some of my friends have been there through these troubling times with me every step of the way. Others have not. Others have abandoned me because I am simply too much work. I have withdrawn from society...from the rape groups...from counseling...because I don't feel like I can relate to anyone in these communities. I moved back to California because I thought it would help. Outside of a few close lifelong friends, there has been no solace...no comfort...no familiarity. I continue to ramble and I doubt anyone has the tenacity or fortitude to stay with me in my fucked up of times...but such is life. Or my life. Fucked.
No comments:
Post a Comment