It's Been a Year...

It's been a year for me.  Well, it will be soon.  Last New Year's Eve I was raped, beaten, and left for dead in a Chicago alleyway adjacent to a bar I had snuck into. 
I was hospitalized for several weeks.  When I awoke from my coma, I had to learn to walk again.  I think the hardest thing is learning how to deal with everything.  For those of you that know me or have been following my story and writings, I have been an emotional roller coaster.  It's bad enough to have to deal with everything that has happened to me, but hitting rock bottom every month or two doesn't help.

Now that the anniversary, I'm not sure I like that word but I cannot think of anything else that works, is upon me I have mixed emotions about it.  I have some really strong people in my life that have been supportive and helpful.  Valeray, Acaisa, my sister Candace, Laken, Lynzey, Chris (x 2), Gino, James, Dakota (x 2), Natalie, Adrijana, Owen, Carah Faye and the rest of STG have all been helpful in guiding me toward my strength.  Despite all this...I still have problems.  I have tried to get through the sleepless nights and nightmares with alcohol.  I know it wasn't the answer, but I didn't know what to do.

I'm in Chicago again visiting my mother and sister.  I don't really want to do anything and put myself in a vulnerable position where something could happen to me once again.  I can't express what it feels like to not be in control of things.  To have things taken away from you.  Forcibly.  I don't think I will ever feel like I once did.  I've tried to have conversations with God in my own way.  I'm not the most religious person.  I feel like I had to try to find an explanation for why things have happened to me.  I get angry very easily.  I don't like to be alone...especially at night. 

I turned 21 a week ago.  It was kind of bittersweet.  Yes, I had fun with those closest to me.  I've had problems with drinking as I mentioned before.  The place where I was assaulted was outside of a bar that I slinked in the door.  I almost feel like it was a punishment.  I know that's probably not correct but I don't know how else to interpret it.

I had an idea of what I wanted to write here, but now that I read everything I feel like I am rambling.  Oh well.  I'll just post until I can figure some things out in this head of mine.

And if anybody wants to read up on what happened, please go through my previous posts this year.  If you want to only read one...here it is:  http://alyseium.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-update.html