Well I've pretty much failed both my goals for today. Well
one at least, Stay Positive. Failed. I guess breaking down and having the psych come in and calm me down because I'm lonely and want to go home doesn't count as positive. My other goal was to focus on why I am here. Well, it's pretty hard to come to terms with what happened to me. I don't even remember anything. I can't help but think that this is all somehow my fault. But since I have no memory of the rape then I can't tell myself that it isn't my fault. I am tired of this. Tired of the nightmares. Tired of the pain. Tired of being physically and emotionally exhausted every single day. I want this hell to end. I don't think I can deal with it any more. I cry myself to sleep almost every day. Then I don't sleep. I still have to rely on pain meds to put me out for a little bit. I'm sure I'm building tolerance to these and eventually it won't work. Then I'll just be fucked. I guess that's just my luck. Fucked. After all getting fucked by some random strangers is what put me here. I feel like the most worthless person in the world. If they would've just kicked me one more time in the head I probably wouldn't have to deal with this anymore.
I did talk with a priest today as well. I'm sorry, but I'm having a hard time coming to terms with religion too. Why did this happen to me? Am I being punished? Where has God been for me through all of this. Of course I suppose the right answer is I was chosen to live. But for what? So I can hate myself every day and wish that I wasn't alive? I don't know what to do. I can't stand this madness anymore. I wish something could just take all the pain away. For good.
I know that everyone tells me this will pass eventually. Even the psych said it could take up to a year. A year? Are you kidding me? I can't last that long. I am so ready for this to be over. I know I'm depressed. I just don't know what to do anymore. I lay here in my fucking hospital bed all day long. My body cannot heal fast enough. I have no energy. No strength. Even if I could walk I would just collapse on myself as my legs have atrophied so much from being a coma. I just want to have my life back. If I can't have it...maybe I shouldn't live.
Sorry. It's been a rough day. Again. I'm sure you're tired of reading about my bullshit.
I know it can and will be hard to stay positive. everyone has a hard time with that now and then, and considering what you have been threw, that can be a tall order Im sure, but in my thoughts, you have suceeded as long as you keep trying. Just remember that there are MANY of us who care about you. Keep posting your thoughts and feeling here to get them off your chest. I dont know you you all that well, but what I do know is that you are a strong, smart and beautiful young lady. As far as it being your fault, not only is it a no way, its a now way in hell is it your fault! no one deserves to be raped an beaten like that NO ONE. I wish we had a magic spell or pill or something to make the pain go away, but alas we dont, but we can be here for you
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